Wow is it really time for another
Final Girl Film Club pick already? Actually it is, no wait that isn't right let me try that again. Actually it WAS. Yep the 3rd was the due date. But I can't be held down by society's rules man! Besides, somehow I managed to convince myself that the due date was the 5th. That being that the plan was to get this done on the 4th and pretend that I was somewhat reliable and almost on the ball. Then I realized, nah why start being responsible now? Besides sending getting this done today (the 5th) really sends a message out to “the man.” That message is I'll not conform to you man! At least not until I train myself to use a to do list....
Since I didn't have the movie in front of me while writing I'll be skipping the play by play. Sadly my memory betrays me when I don't have the flick playing. I could attempt it but about two paragraphs in it would start to morph from “The Hand” into a mixture of “Serenity”, “Clerks”, “Cannibal the Musical”, and “Rudy.” Which incidentally is a script I am planning on pitching to all of the Hollywood fat cats some day.
So, where was I? Oh yeah. This month the pick was
The Hand. Another flick from that gem of a year 1981. In DnD terms being created in 1981 automatically makes this a Movie +3.
As usual I went in knowing precious little about the plot. Only that it involved a severed hand, death, and a young Michael Caine. This left quite a bit to my imagination. In my head I had taken Think from “The Addams Family” and mixed him with Ash's hand from the “Evil Dead” flicks and hit puree. So I was surprised when they went with more story than gore-ey.
...ughh can we all just pretend that I didn't type that last part?
And onto random scattered blathering thoughts that crept out of my caffeine deprived skull.
The GoodThe effects. What is up with the awesome creepy effects that came out of 81? I've seen movies with large budgets from the last year or two who couldn't compete with the creepiness of the crawling hand in “The Hand” and my God what the hell was up with the brutal severing of the hand in the first place?
Michael Caine was great. I can't stress that enough. I've always enjoyed his work. Shamefully I haven't seen as much of it as I would like so it was great for me to see him actually leading a movie. Even if his younger look did remind me of some sort of creepy cross between Eric Idle and Gene Wilder (Admit it you saw it too, didn't you? Didn't you?!?). Physical appearance aside Caine was just great and he was forced to do his work. Was there an emotion he didn't have to go through here?
That hand flying off gets my newly created “Fuck that moment of the movie” award. Because seriously, losing your hand (and in turn your career) in that manner...fuck that!
How great is the phrase “Silly cow” when referring to a poor driver that is annoying you? Or anyone for that matter. I think I'll start using it. At least until the first punch is thrown.
Plot and character development? Gotta say I wasn't expecting as much of it as I got, and that is a good thing.
OK, this maybe over sharing a bit but I think you all can take it. I really really enjoy off the wall semi-inappropriate art. Were I the type to plaster my walls with framed paintings and sketches those would be the type I would go for. Off the wall, ya know what I mean? Well the sketch that Jon(or the hand) sneaks into Stella's sketch book totally fits the bill! I'm kicking my own ass for forgetting to grab a screen shot of it. Well I'm not kicking it yet, but once I'm done writing here I'm totally taking myself out back and beat the stuffing out of myself. But yeah anyway I loved the sketch, quite disturbingly awesome.
The less than goodThis is a personal one and not really a knock on the movie technically but... I have a real aversion to adultery, even in movies. It just rubs me the wrong way and inspires that creepy look away not having fun feeling. Consequently I hated Bill immediately and nearly as quickly I started really hating Anne.
So that may have helped, but really I couldn't get into Anne at all as a character. Other than the daughter is there any reason Jon should like her? Again I say Ugh.
Final Thoughts
I bring up again Michael Caine. “The Hand” doesn't work without him. He worked his butt off and what could have come across as half assed and forgettable he really made it work.
I jump on and off the Oliver Stone bandwagon, I either really like or really dislike is stuff usually. I'm putting “The Hand” down in the “W” column for him. Also from now on because of this movie I am now reserving the right to refer to Stone as a “dirty bum” anytime I choose. I'll make sure to use the term anytime that “Alexander” crosses my path.
But above all my total final thought is; Whatever rambling I've done here does not do the movie justice. In the right frame of mind I decry “The Hand” a movie that you really really should at least rent.
1981: Still rockin' and rollin' struttin' and strollin'!
No don't ask my why that last phrase came to my mind because I don't know. I also don't know how the picture of the toy Rocker's worked it's way into the end here, so let's all just smile and pretend not to notice them OK?
Boomer Sooner
I did not care for “A Christmas Story.” Did not care for it. 
