Askewed Review: Wrestlemaniac

Have you ever heard about something that you were extremely excited for? Yeah that was me with "Wrestlemaniac." Seriously how could this movie lose? Here is the Netflix description that hooked me.

"Director Alphonse (Adam Huss) makes a big mistake when he decides to shoot his film in a remote Mexican ghost town. Turns out, the town is the lair of the legendary El Mascarado (Rey Misterio Sr.) -- a deranged wrestler who begins to kill off cast and crew in bloody death matches. One by one, El Mascarado stalks, captures and attacks his victims, as the remaining members of the group try to find a way to stop the killing spree."

How could I not be drawn to this? It brings together wrestling and horror. It seems a concept that was crafted specifically with me in mind. So I did my part I added the movie to my queue put it up top and waited. Once the movie came though I was reluctant to watch it. The wait had given me time to think, could the movie be pulled off? So on the shelf it sat... on the shelf it should have stayed...

Had the movie been the one that had been oh so eloquently described by Netflix been the one that I watched I would have been happy. Unfortunately it wasn't. Sure they had the title and the actors correct, but after that it kind of fell apart.


The Basics-ish
On their way to Cabo San Lucas a porn film crew gets lost. Low on gas they have no choice but to make their way back towards civilization by way of a road which will take them through La Sangre de Dios, a ghost town said to be haunted by a demonic masked wrestler known as El Mascarado (Rey Misterio Sr.). The intention of driving right past the town without stopping is thwarted by a giant rock (or is it a small boulder?) in the middle of the road which driver/porn director/porn actor? Alphonse (Adam Huss) manages to not see until it is too late.

So the crew pulls up to the town to have a look around. Alphonse decides that the town would make an excellent setting for their little film so he has cameraman Steve (Jeremy Radin) start filming as Dallas (Leyla Milani of WWE Diva Search and Deal or No Deal fame) and Debbie (Margaret Scarborough) start up what has to be one of the least sexy sex scenes ever. Things take a turn for the worse when Alphonse himself joins in the scene along with the up until this point drunkenly passed out Daisy (Catherine Wreford). Thankfully the "sex scene" doesn't last long as Daisy gets sick and runs out the door to find a private place to get killedsick, I too considered hurling at this point.

The resident stoner tagalong Jimbo (Zack Bennett) goes looking for Daisy, he thinks she has his weed. Jimbo then becomes the first victim we see being taken out by El Mascarado. The others discover Jimbo's body sans face and soon enough find themselves being chased by El Mascarado.

Alphonse being the fine upstanding man that he is locks himself in a church, locking everyone else outside with the masked one. He didn't anticipate the back way in and finds himself going one on one. During the "fight" Mascarado is barely seen, but Alphonse is seen flying into every breakable wooden object in sight, he then shoved neck first into a protruding nail. Not dead yet he manages to sneak away to hide in the graveyard outside, which is where El Mascarado finds him and rips his face off.

While looking for a hiding place Steve and Debbie run into some old audio reels that sheds some light on Mascarado's past. They are in Spanish so Steve only barely understands them, something about multiple lobotomies and cuatro latero (I apologize for my terrible Spanish spelling)... They scurry on and find what must be Mascarado's personal room. The ripped off faces are displayed on the walls much as wrestler's masks might be, and the room has four barrels in a square with a rope loosely draped around it. It snaps with steve "Cuatro latero" a ring, he is following Mexican wrestling rules! So when he defeats his opponent he de-masks/faces them. All they need to do to stop him is remove his mask.

The celebration of this epiphany is short lived when El Mascarado shows up. Steve man's up, puts on his own mask and attempts to "wrestle" Mascarado in the makeshift ring. It doesn't go so well and we hear him getting knocked around fairly violently. While is being a distraction Debbie makes an attempt to crawl out of the room only to be dragged back in and given a brutal looking back breaker(holy shit an actual wrestling move!?!).

Meanwhile Dallas, who has been up to this point oblivious to the happenings has been busy fixing the van. While looking for the group she finds the body of Daisy who we now learn was the first victim of Mascarado. She then runs into Debbie and Steve's bodies. Ok well Steve is only mostly dead. Faceless he still manages to inform Dallas of his de-masking idea before kicking it.

Next up some more chasing and hiding which includes one of the most gratuitous hiding poses ever committed to film. Through the course of the hiding and chasing Dallas even finds herself having to hide in a barrel full of water, and then the poor thing has her pants ripped off by a car door. Fed up with running she decides to fight back. Once again finding herself in Mascarado's room she waits for him, as he enters she smacks him down with a board full of nails and impales him on a large metal pipe. Just as she is about to remove his mask he takes another swing at her. She counters by removing the car key that was jammed into his hand. The distracting pain gives her a chance to escape, not to the van though she instead runs into the church where she breaks down.

Next thing we see she is running out of the church screaming, which is actually the scene the movie started with, only this time we see the full scene. The scream goes on way too long and her running slows, then she looks down to see herself impaled on the metal pipe. Dallas falls to her knees dead, while El Mascarado makes off in the Van headed towards Sequelville population eh...probably nobody.


Thoughts
So in a movie lousy with potential what happened? Everything went just lousy.

As a horror movie it failed to be even remotely scary. There was some decent lore that could have been explored but instead it was just tossed out there. Told to us and not shown in any way. We don't even really find out if removing Mascarado's mask would in fact stop him. On top of that there is sort of two versions of the back story given in the movie. One early on when Alphonse and Steve are talking about La Sangra de Dios, and one later when Steve is listening to the tapes. I guess the point was that one was supposed to be fact and the other supposed to be a "legend" which would be fine except that the original and more fantastical version appears to be the case.

As a slasher movie it failed in that it really wasn't all that gory. There was blood thrown about quite a bit true enough, and a couple of de-facings. Though I wasn't as thrilled with that effect as apparently others were. For instance, wouldn't someone who had no face also have no lips? Then how did Steve still have them when he was telling Dallas about the mask? The nail through the neck was fairly gruesome though, so that is something. It didn't fail as miserably as a slasher as it did in other areas, but still.

As a horror movie surrounding a wrestler it completely failed. There was MAYBE 3 wrestling moves in the entire thing. The one actual "match" that took place in the movie took place behind a closed door so we only got to hear it and not see it. Really why did they bother to get Rey Misterio Sr. for the part at all? His abilities were wasted. In case you didn't know Rey Misterio Sr. is an actual Mexican professional wrestler and the uncle of Rey Mysterio/Rey Misterio Jr. the former ECW and WCW and current WWE wrestler.

Hell lets go the whole nine. This wouldn't have saved the movie for me anyway but the movie even failed at being a flesh fest. Which being that it was about a porn film crew seemed obvious.

This movie could have been great, it really could have but instead it turned into a "horror by numbers" that just seemed lacking in almost every conceivable way to me.

Even the name "Wrestlemaniac" isn't ideal. Not when you consider the other two names that the movie has gone under; "El Mascarado Massacre," and my favorite "The Mexican Porn Massacre."

I was so disappointed that I even found myself getting angry at the small things that normally wouldn't have bothered me. For instance, if the Doctors in the past had given Masarado several lobotomies to curb his violent ways wouldn't that have meant that they removed his mask thus ending his reign of terror? Also Steve translates "La Sangre de Dios" as "The Blood of Jesus." But I'm fairly sure that it actually would be "The Blood of God." Now if the town had been called "La Sangre de Jesús"....


Or maybe I'm just getting too cranky?



that's what I thought....

FGFC: "Near Dark"

I think we are all hip to what time it is now right? You remember, the FGFC brought to us by the always awesome Stacie Ponder from Final Girl fame. So the chosen one this month was "Near Dark." A bold choice for Stacie to be sure, what with nearly half the cast being fresh off the set of "Aliens" and thus could potentially still have smelled of Reiser. Well gambled Stacie, well gambled indeed.


The basics
Nathan Petrelli Caleb (Adrian Pasdar) is a rowdy country youth who one night happens across Mae (Jenny Wright) at a gas station. Being a red blooded young male Caleb decides to chat Mae up a bit, ya know ask for a taste of her ice cream cone (literally). One thing leads to another and the two go for a nighttime drive. Just when things start to heat up a bit Mae realizes that it is getting early, she demands that Caleb take her home. Well he doesn't know she's a vampire so he kind of tries to dissuade her from leaving. This earns him a bite, after which Mae hops out of the car and scurries off leaving Caleb to start turning (and burning!) on his own.

As Caleb is slowly making his way home, his little sister Sarah and their dad Loy notice him and his smokiness just in time for a mysterious motor home to speed up on him and swoop him away. Turns out the motor home belongs to the group of vampires that Mae belongs to. Caleb meets his new "family" under imperfect circumstances, the crazy one of the group Severen (Bill Paxton) would very much like to remove his Caleb's head from his body, and nobody else seems to think that such a bad idea. Save for Mae who claims him and promises to teach him their ways.

Caleb is having issues with his new life, he doesn't want to kill, maybe he can't. Even with Mae's help he isn't able. The group has two choices at this point. Kill him, or help him. Fun loving lot that they are they decide to stage a little fun in Caleb's honor. They take him to a little country bar for a few drinks and a little slaughter, not necessarily in that order. Caleb learns that he has some pretty amazing strength, that bullets don't kill him, and that yep he can't kill. Still before he learned that he didn't stop everyone else from having their mayhem.

Unfortunately the one that Caleb let get away went straight to the cops (a little murder and he goes tattling) so their daytime slumber is interrupted by a gunfight. The sun being problematic they aren't doing so hot so Caleb grabs the van keys a blanket and hurls himself out the window and makes a break for it. Once in the safety of a new motel later that night it seems as if Caleb is being somewhat forgiven if not accepted for his bravery. That is until the resident child sized vampire Homer is out for a smoke when he comes across Sarah, Caleb's little sister, who is traveling with her dad tracking Caleb down as they don't know why he disappeared.

Homer takes a liking to Sarah. Once Caleb finds out about it things take a turn. Loy, their dad is brought to the room with the idea that these people tracking them must be eliminated. Not if Caleb has his way! Some gunshots and fighting ensue, Caleb gets Loy and Sarah and they bolt. Caleb really can't explain what has happened easily, but he demands that Loy not take him to a hospital. Instead he has the idea to try a little blood transfusion to see about curing his newly acquired thirst. Which it does.

The next night Mae comes to Caleb. Clearly the clever hiding place of their house didn't work! Mae seemingly just wants to see Caleb, but while they are busy making out Sarah is busy being kidnapped. Once he realizes what is up Caleb makes his pursuit, on horseback no less (which ended up making a really cool image).

On the way to Sarah Caleb runs into and has a tussle with Severen, who is angry over the betrayal. The fight eventually leads Caleb into a semi-truck which he uses to try and run over Severen. The plan doesn't work out as he only gets hurt and is left clinging to the hood of the truck taunting Caleb and punching his way into the hood to rip things apart. Caleb jackknifes the truck, jumping out just before it and the still attached Severen explodes. One down!

Before Jesse and Diamondback get a chance to finish Caleb off in retaliation day starts breaking. They have to retreat to the car along with Mae, Homer, and the still captured Sarah to stay out of the sun. Homer still has plans to turn Sarah but Mae has other intentions. She grabs Sarah and jumps out of the back window into the sun running Sarah towards Caleb who meets them and saves Mae with his coat. Homer, distraught over the loss of his new infatuation jumps out to make chase. Unfortunately for him He had nothing to shade him from the sun and before he can make much of a chase he succumbs to the burning and explodes. Two down!

Knowing that they have nothing left Jesse and Diamondback turn around yet again and make a last ditch effort to run down the three annoyances. Their plan never takes hold as the sun gets them as well and they lose control of the car just before, yep, they both explode. Three and four down!

Caleb takes Mae back home, works the transfusion magics on her and the two, so it seems live happily ever after.


Thoughts, both good and bad
So for me this was a strange watch. I know this will come out strange but throughout both viewings of the movie I kept having the same thought. And I very well could be completely off base and/or off my rocker here but. What really classifies this as a horror movie? I mean other than the vampires, which yeah I admit that is a big hurdle but still. The vampire lore was more of a backdrop I felt for a movie that to me played almost more like a drama/action/comedy and of course modern western. It just happened to have vampires in it. I've noticed this in the past with other vampire movies and TV shows as well, most of which admittedly were made after "Near Dark" so take that for what you will..

Mind you I'm not complaining about the movie. In fact I believe that "Near Dark" blended those genre's quite well and did so without the hokeyness that it could have fallen into. What I'm getting at here is that to me it almost seems as if vampire flicks, at least this kind of them, have almost moved out of the horror genre and created a new one of their own, or at least some sort of strange multi-sub genre.

So on this new standard that I may or may not have just created where does "Near Dark" fall for me? It's gotta be near the top. What the movie lacked in scary (again as I see it) it certainly didn't lack in intensity. Hell Bill Paxton's Severen had the intensity quota filled all by his excellently obnoxious self.

The writing and storytelling for the most part were actually a lot tighter than I expected. It's the small things that I liked such. Severen's line "Cut the shit. I know you're awake. I can smell it." for instance, a small thing that said a few things. It let us know an ability that this flavor of vampire has, also it spoke to the nature of his character. As did the moment with the spur. Jesse and Diamondback's mannerisms alone let you know where they stood. While I'm on that subject, Lance Henriksen was fantastic as Jesse.



But it wasn't all great. A few small things kind of got to me. The first one was Homer (Joshua Miller), pun not intended but not rejected either! Seriously what was up with him? One of his first lines was about being a "big man in a little body" and then Jesse throughout referred to him as "old man" he even smoked and played cards as if he were indeed an adult in a kids body. But then inexplicably other times (in private, not in public for show) he acted as the child. That is really why the child turned into a vampire doesn't really work for me almost ever, they are a recipe for plot holes or confusion. Also Homer's dialog was, well, lame. "The name's Homer. H-O-M-E-R. Mispronounce it... and I wouldn't... wanna... be you." Really? Thats all ya got little guy? Well ok then.

Then again at least H-O-M-E-R (Hey apparently thats how he wants it said) got some lines. Diamondback (Janette Goldstein) barely said a thing. Mostly she just clung to Jesse. Though she did have the most awesome hair in the entire movie, and she was wielded that knife pretty in the bar scene. Still it seemed like a waste of some good talent.

By the way. If you want to see a slightly less entertaining version of pretty much that exact same bar scene, go watch "The Thirst." But then, why would you want to see the less entertaining?...


Final Though
Bottom line. "Near Dark" was a lot of fun, if you haven't seen it I think you really should. Odds are you have seen something influenced by this and odds are they weren't as good.

Also ya know, just two more small facts. #1 as previously mentioned, No Reiser! And #2 as you may have noticed almost everyone blows up!

P.S.
We like the boom!



(no, I'm...I'm not sure why)

FGFC: Scarecrows

Here we go again! This time 'round Stacie has chosen "Scarecrows" as the FGFC pick. "Scarecrows" is a flick from '88 and as we know I'm all about trying to reclaim the 80's. Other than the year I wasn't actually sure how excited I was about the flick though, I've never seen an actual scarecrow flick before. Though as I understand it there is at least a bit of a sub genre dedicated to them so I was hopeful going in. Plus ya know it does have an awesome tag line "They Only Want A Brain ... Yours.


The Basics: Extended Edition

A small but greedy paramilitary group has robbed a military base and walked away with 3.5 million dollars, a hefty sum! Actually they didn't walk away they flew away with the help of a pilot and his daughter whom they have kidnapped. Things were going pretty smoothly until one of the group, Bert (B.J. Turner), decides that $3.5 split amongst the group was good, but $3.5 split one way was better (math!). So he set a little smoke bomb, tossed a grenade (which blew up awesome by the way), and parachuted out with the cash. A logical if not well thought out plan if you ask me.

So Bert makes his landing, in a tree first then onto the ground. He stands up, gets his orientation about him and goes off to find where the money landed, but not before getting a bit of a jump when he turns to see up on a cross a big ugly scarecrow! As Bert walks off we hear that the Scarecrow can mimic peoples voices. Meanwhile back on the plane the group is trying to find out where Bert is headed with their ill gotten booty when they notice and start heading towards a house in the area. A couple of them parachute out to follow Bert while the plane makes a few rounds to keep track of him and then finds a field to make a landing.

Bert makes it to the house, gets the key to the truck outside, confederate front plate and all, and heads out to snag the cash and make an escape. He also runs over a scarecrow. Soon enough the truck stops working and Bert heads out on his own dragging the money with him. All the while he has his headset on so the rest of the team can sass him while he escapes...or is it the team? Starting freak out Bert takes off leaving most of the money behind he runs into a grouping of scarecrows up on their crosses and really gets scared he even goes so far as to try and give the money back (he thinks that Curry (Michael David Simms) and Jack (Richard Vidan) from the group have him surrounded). And then it happens, a real live (or at least animated) scarecrow jumps out and thrusts it's hand into berts stomach killing him.

Not knowing that Bert is dead the rest of the team from the plane heads out towards the house to meet up with the members currently there, leaving behind only the pilot, the apparent leader, Roxanne (Kristina Sanborn), even takes Kellie (Victoria Christian) the pilots daughter with them (so he won't bolt on them). By searching the house they realize that the people who lived there previously were weird, "into devil worship or somethin'!"

Of course as soon as everybody is out of sight the pilot takes off on his own only to be fooled and taken out by the scarecrows fairly quickly.

Back to our group out looking for Bert, they find his parachute up in a tree looking as if it is holding something. Jack reluctantly climbs the tree to cut it open but when he does poor Curry standing below is covered in the blood that was inside. While they are on their way back Bert suddenly appears at the house startling Roxanne.

So they are administering a good old fashioned beating to Bert. All they want to know is where the money is but he ain't talkin! Curry gets a little angry, rips open Bert's shirt revealing the wound that his insides were removed from which is now stuffed with straw and cash. Bert isn't happy about the reveal and starts fighting back, strongly not even gunshots at point blank range stop him. Luckily Corbin figures out that decapitation and dismemberment will slow him down a bit!

While everyone is busy realizing that the money stuffed inside of Bert wasn't the entire amount Kellie is busy attempting to escape. She may have gotten away if she hadn't of been distracted by the sight of her father dead and strung up like a scarecrow, this gives Corbin time to catch her and bring her back.

They notice out the window that it looks like the wind has blown some money out that they can claim. Well to them it looks like the wind blew it out, to me it looks an awful lot like a trail was left. A trail to death!

While picking up this trail wind blown miracle Jack finds his missing harmonica (he'd been missing it ever so) unfortunately the reunion wasn't long lived as the money does in fact lead to death as another scarecrow knocks Jack out and chops his hand off placing it upon it's own wrist. The Jack wristed scarecrow then chases after a very unhappy Curry who makes a run for it and eventually makes his way back to the group to warn them.

Back in the house Curry loses his mind and refuses to leave, Roxanne is still concerned about collecting the cash, Corbin is worried, and Kellie doesn't think the things are after her. Eventually they agree to make a break for the plane all except for Curry who is going to stay behind because he believes Jack is fine and is headed back to them.

On the way back Roxanne is distracted by another line of money while Kellie is distracted by what she believes is the sound of her dog barking off in the distance somewhere. Roxanne is then further distracted by grisly death. Corbin convinces Kellie that there is no dog out here only the scarecrows messing with her head so off to the plane they run.

Corbin and Kellie are almost free when Corbin gets a knife to the leg. In a quite noble move for a killer/thief he tells Kellie to make a run for it and save her self which she almost does. But at the last minute she decides to try and be helpful for once, comes back, finds Corbin's very large gun and takes care of biddness.

While all of that is going on Curry, still at the house, hears the phone ringing. He answers to a heavy breather with a few uncomfortable words. A door swings open behind him revealing a burlap sack, inside is the still alive head of Bert! That was bad enough, but not nearly as bad as the surprise entering the house. It's Jack! Jack has definitely seen better days, but then again so has Curry seeing as how Jack knifes him (oops sorry about the pun). Then the old scarecrows all seem to go back to resting.

Kellie and Corbin are about to make their big escape, Kellie fires up the plane engines and starts takeoff while Corbin enjoys himself a cigar. Well he was enjoying it until the pilot, Kellie's dad, now a scarecrow himself shows up, attacks Corbin and starts making his way towards Kellie. A brief scuffle ensues, Kellie uses some tricky flying to keep her dad off balance long enough for Corbin to regain consciousness and fight back. He does so with a holy hand grenade* which requires that he also sacrifice himself. While Kellie looks on in horror. In the aftermath Kellie, in shock flies the plane on while her dog disturbingly goes into the back and snacks on the remains...


Thought

I mentioned in the past that my intention was to actually watch this one during my marathon on the 18th but I had to push it back. When I was going to watch it I realized being awake for nearly 48 hours really wasn't the optimal time to watch something I was going to have to write about, so I put it off. Plus I would have been putting it in directly after "The Haunting" (which fucking rocked!!) and I knew that there way no way it could hold up to that at all.

So like I said earlier I really wasn't sure what to expect going in, what I didn't expect was to very honestly not knowing exactly what to think as soon as the movie was over. There was a lot of campy coolness in there to be sure. At the same time there was some really confusing stuff.

I may be in the minority here but I was totally fine with the minimalist explanation of why the scarecrows existed. Just enough to understand and not enough to be convoluted

I really liked the idea during the first half of the movie where everyone was connected through the headsets so even when Bert was running around on his own there was commentary and interaction. I thought it worked really well especially as it mixed into the confusion with the messages from the scarecrows. That really made Bert's last moments much more intense.

One of the things that took me out of things a bit was the inconsistency of peoples moods. I suppose it could have been planned that way to show the severity of the situations but a lot of it just didn't make sense. A perfect example is when Kellie is brought back to the house after seeing her father she immediately attacks Roxanne and calls her a murderer and says that they all killed her father. Then in the next scene all of a sudden she is hugging Roxanne (her kidnapper) for comfort.

There were a few other small inconsistencies as well but most of them a lot smaller and less distracting so they are more nit picky than anything so they were easier to ignore. Except for another kind of annoying one that happened in the ending. First off I'll say that the ending to me was much better before the final radio narration. We didn't need as much closure as they gave us. Cutting away from Kellie and her feasting dog would have been a fantastically disturbing note to end on. Instead they told us exactly what happened, the plane landed and the first rescue party was mauled by the dog. Then they discovered Kellie strapped into her seat in shock. So...why didn't the dog attack Kellie? If the implication was that eating the dead scarecrow had somehow infected or maddened the dog why would he leave her be?


Verdict

I enjoyed my time with "Scarecrows." I really did, but not so much that I plan on going out of my way to spend more time with it. Though I really liked a lot of the concept behind it though so the sub-genre does intrigue me. And like I said there were things that I thought were really top notch, that headset idea really floored me.

We had our time and now we move on to bigger and better. It's not you Scarecrows, it's me.

Crap, now that I've mentioned it I really want to watch "The Haunting" again, I wish I hadn't returned it....



Oh well, until next time this is me saying Mahalo

Askewed Review (supersized) Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death

*Edit*Slight format switch this time around. Since my “The Basics” synopsis ran unendingly long “Way too long” I have moved it to the bottom, that way it is easier to ignore should you wish. */Edit*

It all started a week ago. Where during her regular “Final Girl: Awesome Movie Poster Friday” Stacie Ponder put up a special Adrienne Barbeau poster list. That list can be found Here, as you'll notice among the ranks of the posters is a landscaped gem for Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death. Well I don't know about you but that is a title that I certainly can't pass up. Upon further inspection I realized not only was the title impossible to ignore but the movie also stars one of my all time favorites Shannon Tweed.

So armed with this knowledge and a Netflix account at my fingertips my decision was made. “Easy Rider” was pushed back a week and “Cannibal Women” was added to the top of the heap. Then the wait started. I of course used my time wisely. I spent a night or two with Guitar Hero 3, another night watching “Cannibal: The Musical” with the commentary track on(An experience nearly deserving it's own post), some podcasts were listened to, I re watched all of the episodes of “The Guild” starting here, I kicked back with some Cheap Trick... But mostly I just spent my time cursing the slowness of the mail.

When the red envelope finally did appear in my PO box it was nestled between two other red envelopes (“Oceans 13” and “Enterprise: Season 1 Disc 1” ....don't ask). Needless to say I was ready. What did I find?

Well let's find that out together....
Warning, I spoil almost EVERYTHING.

..I say “almost” because in this post I never mention the part about Bunny's red rope licorice fetish

....shit....never mind.....


My Thoughts
It is no secret that I'm a big fan of the B-movie scene. Or as I like to call it, 3am cinema. I also like parody, and I'm a sucker for movies with a thinly veiled message...Well two out of three.

“CWitAJoD” isn't exactly a B-movie, it is more of an homage to them, which is good. They also mix in a bit of parody, not so much of the B's but of other movies and genres. This also is good, when done right. Which I believe it was. The 2001 bit with the beer in place of the monolith was great for me.

It also turns out that behind the absurd storytelling there is a bit of a message. You can apply it to many situations, but the example they use is radical feminism (obviously). I mean the entire flick is about trouble caused by a group of man eaters, and men's inability to deal with strong women, gender roles, stereotypes, etc... So the message, at least the message I got. Extremism...bad. Equality...good.

Maybe you'll get something else out of the movie than I did, or maybe I just put too much thought into it.

Does the movie work? For me hell yeah it does!

Bill Maher was cheesy believable as a clumsy bullheaded macho dweeb. Shannon Tweed was, well she was Shannon Tweed, a little stiff in her portrayal of Dr. Hunt, but it worked great. Especially when paired up with the valley girl-like constantly happy blissfully ignorant ways of the attached at the hip Bunny.

Sadly I'm not as familiar or friendly with Adrienne Barebeau's body of work as I should be (yes my head is lowered in shame at this very moment). But I can certainly see why people love her based on her time as Francine Kurtz, honestly she acted the hell outta that part. While I enjoyed everyone Else's work in the movie Barbeau actually shined with her serious take on Dr. Kurtz, which is good because..well Francine was VERY serious about what she was doing so it translated well.

Final thoughts

Will you like this movie? Maybe, maybe not. I'm not 100% that I “liked” it, but I enjoyed the heck out of it (twice). I say it give it a shot. What have you got to lose? Only 90 minutes.

On the flip side I did notice that there is a LOT of exposition in the film. Talk talk talk, it isn't out of place but for action heads I can see where that could be an issue. But the plus to this minus is that all of the main characters have unique voices and ideals that are very easy to pick up on.

It is most definitely worth a shot if you are of the Elvira's Movie Macabre, or the MST3k camp (I just know that Crow would LOVE this movie).....I wish I had three robot friends.

Just for the love of God, whatever you do, when you sit down to view this movie make sure you put your head in the right place. Don't be all serious, don't expect an Oscar. I may not drink but I can certainly sense a beer movie when I see one. So if you partake do yourself a favor, grab a couple, grab a friend, hit play an go forth into the magical land of ....cannibalism and khaki.


The Basics Story
It is a normal day at work for Dr. Margo Hunt (Shannon Tweed), she is teaching her Feminist Studies class at Spritzer College, answering strange questions from a bubbly student, Bunny (Karen Mistal), questions like “is there a feminist cooking class?” Yep normal day all around that is until a surprise visit from a couple of military types. They explain to Margo that the U.S. is in the middle of an emergency. It seems that they are low on the precious resource that is the avocado.

That means an excursion into the Avocado Jungle. Unfortunately an ancient feminist tribe lives within the jungle and they don't like trespassers. The tribe is of course the cannibal women, or as they all themselves the Piranha Women. The government has already attempted to take the jungle by force. This ended in catastrophe when a pile of guacamole covered dog tags were left at the jungle's edge. The military, now desperate tells Margo that they don't wish to harm the Piranha Women. They just want the precious avocados. They would like Dr. Hunt as a feminist, to go into the jungle and negotiate with the women. They have even set aside a reservation in Malibu that the Piranha Women can be moved into, all their needs will be taken care of they'll even let them continue with their strange rituals, after all “That's the problem of the Piranha men” not them.

Margo decides that she will go into the jungle. By “decides” what I mean I she was blackmailed by threat of removed government funding from Spritzer. But she is also curious to find out what has become of the last feminist anthropologist to enter the jungle. A Dr. Francine Kurtz, internationally known author of the book“Smart Women, Stupid Insensitive Men.”

After a quick stop off at the teaching supplies desk to pick up a knife, some climbing rope, a revolver and a thousand rounds of ammunition among other things Dr. Hunt is off to find a guide and enter the jungle, but not before picking up a tag along in the form of Bunny.

Where do you find a guide for such a trip? Why in a bar on the outskirts of the jungle of course. A bar in a little town known as San Bernardino. Margo and Bunny interview three potential guides; Anvil, a Vietnam vet with no problem blowing anything in his way up. Bushido, the worlds greatest ninja...seems to need some work in the shuriken department. And The Black Masked Avenger, world renowned professional wrestler and body builder. He can bend steel and chew on the end! Sadly every one of the potentials flees at the mention of the Avocado Jungle. Probably a smart move!

This leaves poor Margo with but one choice. Jim (Bill Maher), a klutzy, mouthy, chauvinistic ex-one night stand of Margo's who just happens to be at the right bar at the right time. Naturally Margo would prefer to go without a guide but she needs him. After all she has no idea how to survive in the jungle.

Neither does Jim really, but he does have a survival guide to the Avocado Jungle, a paperback that is now out of print. Reluctantly Margo agrees to hire Jim on as a guide, but only after he reduces his reasonable $25,000 fee down to a minuscule $50 plus expenses...I wish he would have pulled out the old “but now you're robbin' me!” line.

Very quickly a few things are revealed. Bunny has a crush on Jim, Jim can't read a map, Margo has a long history of relationship issues, yadda yadda.

Eventually the group finds an old abandoned boat (The all knowing Jim has a story about that as well) and they move from land to water. Eventually the group find themselves under an attack of sorts. They were accosted by knitted potholders and doilies. Well maybe not an attack...apparently it was an offering. Gifts from the Donnahews, a subservient group of men that live in the jungle, make baked good and knit things as offerings to the Piranha Women in exchange for the women not eating them. A fair trade I feel.

A group of subservient sniveling wimpy men? To Jim this just doesn't compute. While the women sleep Jim attempts to evolve the men. Enter man's best friend BEER. There was some bonding, some teaching, some grunting, and many many cans of beer. So much beer that Jim finds himself a bit unconscious. Pffft lightweight.

So now Bunny who can't sleep decides to come ask for a nice cup of hot chocolate. Apparently the impenetrable walls of the tent don't allow her to hear the ruckus outside! Before she knows what is happening Jim's teaching takes effect and the Donnahews pounce. No, pounce is the wrong word. They sort of drunkenly lumber and mumble towards her eventually overtaking her. Luckily Margo has miraculously heard all of this and is out to make the save with her trusty gun. BANG BANG and the Jim Clones scatter.

Jim's response to his teachings nearly causing a gang rape...He's sorry that the boys got out of line, but at least it was encouraging to see them taking a healthy interest in the opposite sex. Yep...healthy, I don't think I can defend Jim on this one. I mean any simp knows that when you are trying to change the ideals of an entire group of peoples the first thing you do is make sure they know that rape=bad.

Lunchtime rolls around, Margo isn't happy. She's sick of Guacamole. I would be to. Jim gloats , after all he did mention earlier that within a few days she would be begging for a Burger King. That's when it happens. Margo gives Jim a look, he catches it and realizes “....You want to eat me!”. And she did, but only for a single weak moment.

Margo decides that the jungle is getting to them so they need to turn tail and beat it. Too late though, the Piranha women have found them. When Margo mentions the name Dr. Kurtz the Piranha Women take the group back to their temple. The temple itself shows a remarkably advanced architectural style. Jim thinks it looks like a big Lego. I think it looks more like a Duplo.

Jim and Margo discover the pool filled with actual piranha in the courtyard when Dr. Francine Kurtz emerges from the temple. Good timing as she really seems to have a thing for those piranha.

As it turns out when she was captured the Piranha Women christened her their new empress. A powerful and wise empress she turned out to be, she was even able to lead the jungle women to their successful defense against the military (remember that from earlier?). Not only did the soldiers have to die, but they were delicious to boot!

Kurtz offers Hunt the chance to join the tribe. She also reveals that There is no avocado shortage. Actually the U.S. has too many of the things (I agree, yuck!). Francine is also aware of the Malibu offer, She is also aware of the subscriptions to Cosmo, the group of Mary Kay saleswomen, and the ultimate plan of eliminating the Piranha Women cultural assimilation!....What anthropologist would agree to those terms? None that's who...not even Margo.

Still Dr. Hunt refuses to join. Kurtz has no choice. She must have Margo thrown into the piranha pool. Bunny on the other hand has no problem killing and eating a man to become part of the tribe, as long as she gets one of those cute outfits. This revelation gives Jean-Pierre (Margo's would be sacrifice) a chance to cause a ruckus escaping his chains and helping Margo get out of the temple. Jim isn't so lucky. He is to be Bunny's sacrifice. They even marinate him! Yeesh, I thought that the guacamole looked bad.

On the run from the Piranha Women Margo is rescued by another tribe of jungle women. The Barracuda Women of the Avocado Jungle. You see thousands of years ago the Piranha Women and the Barracuda Women were as one, but they split up and have been at war because of a very fundamental argument....The Piranha Women cook and eat their men with guacamole dip. The Barracuda Women disagree with this practice heartily. They believe they should be eaten with clam dip. I'm still going to take a pass on seconds.

Margo leads the Barracuda Women to the temple to make a rescue attempt for her friends. Along the way she discusses with their leader a plan to help reunite the tribes by way of a council comprised of equal representatives from each group to get together bi-weekly to discuss their issues. I hope that they use tiki torches for their voting!

Once inside the temple Margo stumbles across Dr. Kurtz's field notes, and an outline for a book she is writing.

Meanwhile Jim is weighing the pros and cons of his current situation, “She's going to make love to me, that's good. Then she's going to eat me, thats bad. ...Why can't I ever have a completely good day?” Bunny is getting ready for her initiation by being washed and having her hair dyed for the occasion.

At the last minute Jim is able to use his wiles to make Bunny change her mind. She realizes that she can't kill him...she loves him (awwwww). This displeases Dr. Kurtz and as usual she sentences them to death by being dumped in the pool of piranha. She must really love feeding those fish.

Before the feeding can go down Margo returns. A little late I feel. If not for luck at this point Bunny would be enjoying a serving of Jim by now wouldn't she?

Well no matter Margo is here now, and she is challenging Dr. Kurtz to a duel. A duel for the title of empress of the Piranha Women. Apparently that is how you take over, who knew? Kurtz can't refuse the request and the fight ensues.

During the fight Margo takes the opportunity to discuss Francine's plans of exploiting her time with the Piranha Women in a tell all book. Kurtz denies it all (of course).

Margo has Kurtz beat, but shes no killer she doesn't make the killing strike. Instead Francine steps the blade impaling herself (Ouch!). After some confessing some tears and keeping everyone at a distance Francine decides to fling herself into the Piranha tank “Oh the humanity!, the humanity!!” I guess she really was serious about feeding the lil guys.

Back to civilization. Margo makes a trip to Malibu to visit her military contacts. She informs them of what she has learned. She also informs them that the jungle women will not be moving any time soon. Now it is Margo's turn to make with the strong arming. She insists on a very generous donation to her university. If they don't deliver she'll take her story to the talk show circuit and let the world know the truth!

Bunny and Jim on the other hand decide no more fighting for them. In fact they plan to get married, but only if Dr. Hunt gives her OK. Bunny sure doesn't want to disappoint Margo. Luckily Margo won't be alone. She has convinced Jean-Pierre to leave the jungle life and come to the city to pursue an education.

And that my friends is the ending to one of the most beautiful stories you'll ever know! Well OK it was a story.

Kudos to you dear friends if you have read through my ramblings all the way down to this point. You must either really like me, or really dislike yourself. Either way to you I say Mahoalo

Askewed Review: "To Kill a Mockingbird"

I am on a never ending quest to repair the damage that my youth caused. Namely I am trying to play catch up and see all of the movies that I should have seen. After a suggestion (and some slight urging) I decided a good place to start would be “To Kill a Mockingbird”.

The Basics
Taking place in the 1930s In the small town of Maycomb Alabama a black man is accused of raping and beating a white woman. There is only one lawyer in town willing to take on the case, that man is Atticus Finch.

Atticus is a widowed father of two, his children Scout and her brother Jem spend their summers with their new friend Dill. They explore the town, play games, and discuss “Boo” Radley the local “madman” (at least according to town legend and Dill's Aunt). That is until the trial starts and the kids start to learn just how harsh and unfair the world around them can be.

What worked for me
One of the first things that came to my mind as soon as I was done watching the movie was that I couldn't actually classify it to just one genre. There are elements of a coming of age story, Scout, Jem, and Dill living, playing, and growing up in a small town. Then there are the some very suspenseful elements, the kids investigating “The Radley Place”. There is even a bit of family drama with Atticus doing what he can to raise his kids up correctly. Top that all off with a nice little chunk of courtroom drama and you stay may not have cracked more than just the surface of all that is going on!

My lord, has there ever, or can there ever be a man in the history of movies who is better than Atticus Finch? What a great character, a hero in the truest sense of the word. Win or lose what matters is he never compromised himself or his beliefs. Gregory Peck was really a highlight of the movie for me...Did I mention how great I think Atticus is?

The movie definitely takes its time getting where it is going. Even so there really isn't any dead moments, everything in the 2+ hours seems very deliberate. Even the few small tangents that are taken are well placed and help you really get to know and care about the characters and the situations that they are in.

Final Thoughts
The two paragraph “basics” story summary that I put up there honestly doesn't do the movie anything near justice. I intentionally chose to keep it short, had I let myself go I could have easily gone on and on and on (in fact in a first draft I did). That really wouldn't have served any good purpose, what I am hoping my briefness will achieve is to convince at least one person as I was convinced to rent “To Kill a Mockingbird” and be blown away (again just as I was) by it.

For what it is worth I have added this to my shortlist of movies to buy. I made the decision a few days after watching it when I realized how much I was thinking about it, multiple viewings I am sure will bring out new realizations and a new appreciation for the film. As I said there is a lot to absorb.

As I said this movie made me think a lot, especially about racism and injustice and what a truly messed up place this world has been (and can be) at times. The fate of Tom Robinson after the trial is heartbreaking, and Bob Ewell's attack on Jem and Scout is very disturbing. Of course the attack leads to the revelation of “Boo” Radley (a silent but still expressive and young Rober Duvall).

I like to add pictures and screen shots to my writings quite often, just to break things up a bit. This time I really want to bring attention to one of my favorite moments in TKaMB, the scene in the court room after the jury's decision came in. Even when the rest of the courtroom has cleared out the uppers section (the black section) waits for Atticus to leave, standing as he does so showing their respect for the man who fought for one of their own when nobody else would.

In summary (isn't it a little bit late for me to be summing things up?) I give “To Kill a Mockingbird” a surprising and mighty pollex up!

....now stop reading my tripe and go rent it for yourself!

nowhere near abridged movie review recap

I'm just going to come out and say it. When I was somewhere between 12 and 14 years old director Fred Olen Ray mind fucked me. He mind fucked me hard.

So I've always had this little thing I like to call insomnia. What that means now is that I am able to sit up and go through blogs all night while occasionally committing my own incoherent thoughts to writing. What it meant when I was younger was that I could stay up all night long and watch any interesting movies that I found.

Well one night I was going through the premium channel listings and I found one that said something along the lines of. “ Four coeds in an old house read from a magic book and accidentally release a cartoon demon. A demon with a taste for sex and blood.” So yeah I tuned in.

See I was smart, I did the math and I realized; “Coeds” = boobs, “cartoon demon” = hilarious, and “taste for sex and blood” = the reason I should be in therapy good clean entertainment!!

Now this is where the trouble began. I watched “Evil Toons.” I watched it and my world crumbled. I was supposed to love this movie. It had coeds, it had a cartoon demon, it had a cartoon demon raping a coed... Where was the love for the movie? Was it a problem with me? Was I incapable of love? Perhaps I was some sort of stone man devoid of human soul, doomed to walk the earth until the end of days never knowing true happiness?

Well I should have moved on from that. But I just couldn't forget that movie and those feelings. Then the damn thing got put on heavy rotation, nearly every night I was given a chance to redeem myself and attempt to regain my soul. The love never came, but a cold tolerance was developed.

Recently some stuff I have read has brought forth some repressed memories and I was forced to dig this thing out of the archives and give it another watch.

Hold on tight cause here we go!

The very first thing we are greeted with here is a message from director/mind fucker Fred Olen Ray. Before the film starts he just wants to make clear to us the viewers/mind fuckees that “The story you are about to see is true. Nothing has been changed. These are actual people who lived this great adventure and this is exactly the way it really happened.”

Moving on. Oh sweet I've always wanted to be able to start out a story like this!

It was a dark and stormy night. There is a spooky looking front door, a spooky looking fence slowly and spookily closes in on the house all by itself. I'm spooked for realz! Wait a minute, is that? Kwai Chang Caine himself David Carradine, oh you know this is going to be rocking now.

Carradine isn't alone, he is carrying a book. A book with a face. A book with a face that speaks “In times of trouble let your conscious be your guide.” And guide him it does, all the way into a basement with a conveniently set up noose which he promptly uses. Like a sucker I forgot to set my noose up before the movie started, so I'm stuck watching.

Now presumably some time has passed since the incident. Enter our coeds. Terry the “team leader”, Jan the generic, Roxanne the slutty girl, and Megan the brain (aka the not so secretly hot one). Apparently they have been hired to stay in this house over the weekend to clean it out for the new owners. For their troubles they will make a whopping $100 a piece. Roxanne doesn't seem too impressed by the amount. I don't know why, this was made in '91/'92, according to my math $100 back then would equal roughly $42,000 today... I think.

The girls start to get settled in and they ask Terry about the rumors of the last family that lived there. Well it seems that they got so freaked out by something that they up and left in the middle of the night leaving everything behind. Even their CD player, no shit! Time to meet the neighbor Mr. Hinchlow, and nearly immediately get the creeps.

Cleaning time, always start with the basement. Wait aren't basements supposed to be attached to the house or at least be underground? Well they call it a basement but it looks more like a garage to me. Either way while cleaning up the place. And by cleaning up I mean snooping around. Terry and Meg find a trunk with a “funky tag.” The contents of the trunk? Oh just a little something I like to call Evil! And a fancy knife, some sort of shroud, and of course skeletal remains. There is always skeletal remains. Ever the thinker Terry decides to keep some of these in case they are antiques and worth money.

Nearly five minutes of almost cleaning, that means break time! Back into the house. Wait, what happened to break time.. now it is night time. Uh oh that storm is back. Uh oh David Carradine is back. Uh oh the book is back.

Roxanne proves her slutty prowess by offering to show the girls how she “gets her hooks” into guys. I myself have often postulated that when college girls get together it soon enough turns into a big strip fest. My suspicions are confirmed, cha-ching!Also confirmed is my theory that Meg the brain is pure, and innocent, but curious and a maybe a little prude. I am still unsure exactly why it is that Meg gets upset and runs upstairs, but there isn't much time to question over it as there is a knock on the door and Caine delivers a package to the ladies. Well what would you call him? We don't know his name yet.

There is that book again. Wait a second that book looks vaguely familiar. Do I know it's brother? Hey look it is the Evil Dead Necronomicon. Well any brother of the Book of the Dead is A-OK in my book! So Terry and Jan are looking through the book but they can't read it they need it translated, now where did that Meg run off to.

Ah ha, found her. Meg is checking herself out in the mirror, and she's naked! Make a mental note to remember these few seconds of the movie and try to forget all else that you have seen.

Remember how I said Meg was the brain? Well that is partially true, she does know how to read a little bit of ancient Latin. What she doesn't know apparently is that you should never ever translate something like that out loud. You always read the full text in your head first, that way you can find the warning before it is too late. Even I know that and I barely read and speak one language.

Bedtime. Well not for Roxanne, she has a guy coming over. Even though the man that hired them Burt said no monkey business. Oh man I can just tell that everything is about to go bananas! Roxanne struggles to pop the cork on a bottle of wine that appears to have a twist top, Carradine skulks about outside, a cartoon monster leaps from the pages of the book into reality. You know same crap different day.

Wait a minute, the monster looks familiar. Do I know it's brother? Hey check it out, its Sherman Fangsworth aka Fangface! Boy I wish you could stick around Fangface, I think these girls are going to have a mystery that needs solving pretty soon.

Boy did the two apples fall in completely different directions on that family tree or what? I don't remember Fangface ever raping, killing a and then assuming the identity of a girl, do you? Well his brother The Monster (that is how he is credited so I take it as his name) seems to excel at that. He isn't all bad though, during the rape he does find time to pass out a compliment, “Nice tits.” Upstairs the girls are having trouble sleeping, who can blame them with all the screaming? Meg decides she needs to go down and check, just in case. Too late though Roxanne is gone and the monster being a master of subterfuge takes her shape and even finds a way to explain away the blood that is covering her naked body.

Carradine looks on.

A knock at the door brings Biff (sadly not Tannen), Roxanne's man friend into the house. The monster still in the guise of the girl takes the opportunity to get some good natured dry humping in before devouring our friend Biff (still not Tannen). Poor Biff (never gonna be Tannen), we barely knew you. More noise, Meg must investigate. If only Fangface were here to help out.

How inconvenient, Burt is sitting there minding his own business watching “A Bucket of Blood” when the phone rings. I wonder if I should find a copy of “A Bucket of Blood”, Burt wonders who would be calling at this hour? Why it's that pesky Mr. Hinchlow telling him about the blood curdling screams. Burt has to go investigate, even if it means missing some Friday night sex with Mrs. Burt (yep that is her credited character name).

By the time Burt shows up to the house he is drunk, I am wishing that I drank, and the girls have discovered the body of Biff (the un-Tannen). Well golly they can't have Burt coming in and finding a dead man's body, they could be fired! They lock him outside and move the body, luckily for Burt Roxanne is going to take him around the back way to let him in... Wait a minute, uh oh.

Ok good Roxanne, with monster inside isn't killing Burt, she is just giving him the tour. Here is where we found the shroud, here is where the dagger was, here is where the trouble started. I'm trouble, are you looking for trouble? Looks like the night wasn't a total bust, he may not be getting Friday night sex but there appears to be a BJ in Burt's immediate future... Wait a minute, uh oh.

Poor Burt.

Thanks to Ms. Smartypants Meg the girls find out that plunging the dagger into the beast will kill it. Being stabbed is also one of my weaknesses.

Back to the garage which is now being called a cellar. The body of Burt is discovered, naturally this leads to running around and screaming.

Carradine looks on.

Hinchlow is back, and he seems to know a little bit too much about the book for my liking. At least he provides us with Carradine's name finally.

Say hello to Gideon Fisk. Wait a minute, Gideon Fisk looks familiar. Do I know his brother? Hey once again I do, it's Keith Carradine from televisions “Complete Savages”. Hey Keith hows it going? I sure do miss your show, it was the Savagey-est-ish-er.....

Once again back on track. The Monster Roxanne momentarily fools the girls into thinking it was all a gag. Back to the basement/cellar/garage to get some payback on the boys for their chicanery. It only takes the girls a few minutes of slapping the corpses around to realize that something isn't right. With the cat out of the bag the Roxanne monster reveals his/her(?) plan to send their souls to the master (Either Satan or Fred Olen Ray, they never say)..

Bye bye generic Jan. You must be sacrificed so the other two can escape. Don't worry though you won't have a boring death. Boy the monster sure does have a thing for boobs doesn't he/she?

Uh oh Roxanne seems to have finished kill/raping Jan and has now found Meg and Terry back in the house. Sorry Terry it is your turn for a little monster/girl on girl rape/killing (I'm not really sure of the order). Run Meg RUN! No don't fall down the stairs run.. Well this looks grim.

This Roxanne monster seems to enjoy exposition almost as much as boobs. Poor Meg, she is expected to read the passage in the book over and over to unleash the rest of the drawing. I guess our monstery friend doesn't know ancient Latin.

Fisk stops looking on

Time for action it seems. He has the knife but sadly lacks the physical strength to overpower the monster. Meg offers a little distraction, and wastes a bottle of wine. Fisk makes with the stabby stabby. The Roxanne monster reverts back to plain old cartoon monster, whiny plain old cartoon monster. Apparently being stabbed hurts, he better head back to the book!

That smart cookie Meg she came up with the clever plan of burning the book in the fireplace. Monster doesn't like that, he vows revenge in the sequel. I silently weep at the thought.

Now that The Monster is dead Meg is all upset, all of her friends are dead. She should really watch this movie so she can see that her “friends” talk a pretty fair amount of crap about her behind her back. Anyway Fisk reveals that she will find them very much alive. Thanks to Meg the monster now never existed. Fisk then disappears, apparently his curse has been lifted.

Cue mega happy ending, morning comes Meg wakes up on the couch, big happy fun time reunion nobody is dead. But everyone (save Meg) is a little confused.

Hinchlow has a thermos of coffee and a portable TV. I hope he plans on sharing I could use some caffeine after all of this.

Why the TV though? It is Saturday morning of course, he though the girls might want to watch some nice cartoons.

Meg screams.

I scream.

The people upstairs stomp on their floor and mutter something about the time. I thank them with four letters.

After the viewing here is what I want to know. What is this movie supposed to be? Slasher horror? Can't be, there is shockingly little gore, and the killings all happen off screen. How about sexy fun time naked boobfest? Nope, there is some nudity, and a lot of sexual suggestions but really only one of the girls, Meg (played by Monique Gabrielle) is all that attractive. Plus there isn't any real sex to speak of, and in all my life I have never ever seen such a pathetic attempt at cartoon on coed rape.

Quite the journey this has been, and nobody can say that this has gone well. But I suppose the journey is the point and not the result right? Wait a minute, uh oh.